the village

Four Months and Counting

2010-10-21T05:32:00.000-07:00

Today marks four months since I became gainfully unemployed or, as the kids call it these days, an entrepreneur. I plan to celebrate by having tuna salad for lunch, without fear of my co-workers getting their undies in a knot over it. It’s going to be a great day.

As I sit here at my kitchen table typing this post --- in my pj’s--- I feel like I’ve made a good choice. Sure, bills are going to be due soon and we need groceries and gas money and school supplies and blah, blah, blah. Responsibility hasn’t evaporated but, rather, increased. Yet so has my level of satisfaction with what I’m doing, who I’m doing it for and why. Gone are the worries over someone else’s issues for a set amount of cash; no more nervously tapping my foot beneath my desk waiting for the world to come crashing down. Now I have the opportunity to create my own issues and, by gum, if I wanna tap my foot it’ll be to music, beautiful, streaming music, played as loudly or as quietly as I like it.

There was a time, years ago, when I was chastised for playing ping-pong at lunch. Not so much for the game, but because I left the office for a half hour to play it. I can also recall being told to leave my family behind and travel across the country on a whim. And, strange as it may seem, I once worked in a place where reading a book at lunch earned you a private discussion with the boss. Well, not any more. No longer am I a lowly groundling but, rather, head groundling in charge of all the cool stuff --- I have arrived. By the way, there’s great potential here for exploration into the thought processes that govern modern business leaders (READ: Why so many of them become paranoid jerks.). Perhaps a more capable writer will pick up the idea and run with it…

I realize that it‘s only been four months. Four short months overflowing with hard work and an ever increasing resolve to make this thing happen. Reflecting on this whisper’s worth of time, I find myself thankful. Thankful that we’ve made it this far and the prospects to make it further are looking excellent. Thankful that, in a questionable economy, we’ve been able to grow. Thankful to God, my family, my partner and his family and our clients. Just thankful. This has been a most enjoyable adventure and I look forward to the future with uninhibited anticipation.

Your marriage is 10 years old today!

2010-10-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

Congrats on 10 years of awesome.

My Marriage Birthday

2010-10-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today is my anniversary. Ten years. It’s supposed to be a big milestone and I guess that it is, though it kind of feels like we’ve reached a plateau or something, except for the fact that life is no easier so we’ve got to keep climbing and now there’s a t-rex that’s learned to climb and he’s coming up behind us with murder in his eyes and the kids are whining that they need to take a potty break and that they’re tired or whatever and I’m all “shut up back there or we’ll stop climbing and the t-rex will eat us”, but they don’t shut up, then someone checks the mail and there’s a bazillion bills in there and then I wake up and realize that I shouldn’t eat Oreo’s before bed because they give me weird dreams and what not…anyway, I guess that we’re not on a plateau, we’re still climbing in life, and I love it. Almost as much as I love a good run on sentence or freaky dream or any combination thereof.

I suppose that I’ve picked about the best partner imaginable. Or, rather, got extremely lucky as neither of us really chose one another, we just kind of started hanging out then WHAM -O she’s pregnant and I’m quitting college to look for a job. That’s not exactly how it happened, but it’s close enough. She really is a good match for me. She lets me hang out with my friends without nagging me about it and she lets me roam off into the wilderness at my will. I’m not even sure if she worries for my safety anymore. Frankly, I’m unsure if she ever did…I’ve got a lot of life insurance. Anyway, I still enjoy her company and find her physically attractive, which is good, and she still finds me to be, well, skinny and white, but that’s what I was in the beginning so she gets what she gets. I really do have a good wife.

For years I’ve secretly felt a little embarrassed about how our life together started out, what with the being blindsided by an early pregnancy and what not. It was laborious to have to tell people “yep, I’m married…got two kids…one’s 11...yes, I’m young, but you see…”. Now, 10 years into it (do the math already, our oldest was one when we were married, so what?), I’m finally beyond that non-sense and feel a sense of genuine pride both in how my life is shaping up and, most importantly, at how awesome my family has become. But, rather than feel good about myself, I feel good about my wife as it is she who’s invested the most time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, etc., etc. into the last decade. Her ability to morph into the glue that holds us together is equaled in greatness only by her bosoms. What? She’s my wife and I can say that if I want to. She has nice bosoms, there, I said it again.

So, here’s to 70 more years of marriage to the most wonderful Mexican that I know. If we make it that far, that will make me 99 years old. That’s almost enough time to get to know the woman whom I’ve loved all along. Happy marriage birthday dear.

The Wizard

2010-10-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

I received a sales flyer from a semi-local business in the mail the other day. It wasn't very good, so I decided to write the owner of the business a letter to offer The Village's services. Below is my first draft.

Mr ####,

Good day to you. I trust that this letter finds you healthy and selling many insert fireplaces in anticipation of the upcoming cold season. If not, then you have my regrets and condolences.

I'm writing to thank you for the sales flyer that you recently sent to my home. It was catastrophically awful, and I loved it. You see, I work in advertising, www.thevillagemg.com, and I like to believe that I know a thing or two about what makes a good piece of work, well, work. Yours had none of the elements that would make it successful, but it did have several that would make it laughable. I'm not going to lie to you, it's mostly the wizard. Lose the get up...no one finds it funny. You'd be better off putting the young lady in the two piece from the tanning bed commercial on there instead; sex sells, wizards remain virgins and go hungry.

I would like to help you with your design and advertising. Maybe even your copywriting and overall brand identity. You operate an old and successful business, but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that your client base is over 60 years old and, according to the laws of nature, will be perishing soon. I'd like to help you convert their children, children's children and so on to loyal #### customers. If you're interested, give me a call...my number's below. If not, no hard feelings then.

Good luck with the wizard.

Ben Hubbard

I'm not sure how it'll work out.

Chicken N Gravy

2010-10-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Someone has placed a Dairy Queen cup upon my kitchen table/office desk. It’s next to the chicken, gravy and fries basket. On it is a picture of a boy, eating what appears to be an Oreo Blizzard, and a caption that reads “I’m a fruit fan!”. Fruit fan. I see no other reference to fruit, or healthy food of any sort, on the cup or the chicken basket…or even the gravy tub. It makes me wonder why it’s there. Is DQ trying to trick people into thinking that they’re into healthy stuff, you know, like the Europeans, whilst they choke down chicken n gravy, or is it just a typo? Should it have read “Chicken + gravy + fries = awesome to the third power!” or “Hey, hey, gray vay!”? Maybe “Gravy good in belly!”? I can’t say for sure.

This cup has led me down a road of reminiscence with stops at virtually every major fast food moment in my life. There’s been three, all involving the undisputed king of the fast food crap heap, McDonald‘s. First, when I was four, there was a birthday party for some kid whom I didn’t really know at a McD‘s in Hazard, KY. The staff came out and played party games with us kids, my favorite of which was the one where we stacked Chicken McNugget boxes as high as we could. I got to 10 or 50, I don’t remember, but I won an ice cream for my efforts. I have no memories of the food itself. Perhaps I’ve repressed them.

The second was when I went to McDonald’s in Jackson, KY with Lorena (before our shotgun wedding) and her family after church. I ordered a Big N Tasty, a suitable meal for a strapping young man looking to impress his future family. When I got it I noticed that there was an enormous leaf of lettuce over a tiny sliver of tomato nub, you know, the piece where the vine connects. When I went to the counter to see what was up I apparently violated some kind of fast food employee honor or something, as I heard some tough words being spoken back in the “kitchen“. Afraid for my gastrointestinal safety, I didn’t eat the second Big N Tasty. Rather, I sacrificed it to the garbage bin and boycotted that particular establishment for about 8 years or so…taught them a lesson I did.

The final instance was earlier this year in Tokyo. Short on cash, Adams and I decided to get some McDonald’s at the airport because, we assumed, it was cheap. Turns out that it’s not and for good reason; they use real meat…real…meat! What’s up Japan? The burger tasted like it was made from the ground muscle of a cow instead of its lips, nose, eyes, fur, etc. as its American contemporaries are. It was splendid. Our last meal overseas after a two week journey, it was well enjoyed and, coincidentally, it’s my only fond memory of fast food…ever. One more reason to like Japan, I guess.

First Friday: Somerset vs. Knoxville

2010-10-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

Last night, while I was busy with a double birthday party for my daughters, Ben A. (the other half of The Village) was busy in downtown Knoxville with First Friday. Let’s compare how our evenings went, shall we?

Adams: Free wine, cheese, cake and other food from a plethora of Knoxville restaurants and pubs.
Hubbard: $5 pizzas, water, soda and Capri Suns.

Adams: Hanging out in some of the trendiest shops in East TN.
Hubbard: Taking down bouncy castles an hour after dark…in the cold.

Adams: Supporting breast cancer awareness.
Hubbard: Unable to think about breasts due to having to keep children from killing one another on bouncy castles.

Adams: Pointing and laughing at all the hipsters who came out to…well…do hipster stuff.
Hubbard: Laughing at the same hipsters, even though he couldn’t see them.

Adams: Free.

No further comparison necessary.

Towel of the Future

2010-09-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Twice every day I climb out of my shower, soaking wet and warm from the scalding water with which I just assaulted my skin, wondering, as I pick up my plain white towel, which end I used after my previous shower to dry my…well…my lower body. Of particular concern are the bits above the legs but below my abdomen. It’s a scary situation. I’ve never quite known what to do…

Until now.

Now, thanks to modern thought and engineering, there’s this: www.truecleantowel.com. Oh…my…goodness, this is awesome! Brilliantly easy to use, you just wipe your face with the face and your bottom parts with the little stick man’s bottom parts. Not since the ShamWow have I been so impressed by drying technology.

I think that my favorite part of this product and how it’s being marketed is this one line of simply genius copy: “What better way to prove your superior intelligence to your friends and family than by making their towel drying methods look archaic.” Freaking awesome. If I had a year to do nothing but think of the best possible line to sell this towel, the jewel of modernity and brilliant design that it is, I could not do any better. No one could…this is perfection here on earth.

I’m not necessarily advocating that you buy this towel, mostly because I’m not being paid to. However, the next time you kiss your grandma’s cheek, wouldn’t you like to be at least somewhat certain that’s all your kissing? I thought so. Do gram gram and yourself a favor then and get some of these towels, ok?

Fun and Games

2010-09-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

Recently I’ve gotten into soccer, a mere 29 years late to be any good at it. It‘s my kids‘ fault. You see, though I’ve always enjoyed watching the sport on t.v. and making small talk with my football playing friends about this club or that, well, thing is, I’ve never actually played. No big deal, right? Well, it wasn’t, but then, thanks to my daughters, those precious little angels, I became a coach. No kidding…a recreational league coach in the U6 division which, as I quickly learned, means “under 6” or, in layman’s terms, I’ve gotta coach a bunch of kids who are barely, just barely, far enough removed from diapers to attend school. Well, thanks kids, I guess.

My team, Fire --- no, not The Fire, or Fires, or Roaring Fires or anything else tough, just Fire as in the combination of heat, fuel and oxygen to make flame --- is a motley crew of 5 year olds with enough energy to make a hummingbird hopped up on the Mountain Dew look tame. Our first game was just a couple of days ago, precisely 27 hours after I met the team for the first time. Like all first time coaches, I wasn’t in it for the win, I just wanted the kids to have fun. Fun, yeah…fun like our team kicking so many goals that even the ref lost count! Whoo hoo! That kind of fun! We skipped right past getting our feet wet, right past fundamentals, right past the mercy rule and proceeded to dominate our more numerous, but considerably smaller, competition. I credit my superior strategy of just letting the kids chase after the ball in a massive group…man, I’m a heck of a coach. After the first goal we were all “Yay, we scored!”, however, after the sixth, seventh, millionth, we became invincible in our own eyes, like Brazil or Italy or, this one time only, Spain. I swear, I think that I heard talk on the sidelines of bringing Vuvuzelas to the next match and painting the parents out…F…I…R…E! Now this is sport!

After the match I took a step back and admired my group of little animals. If I could pick a single word to describe them, other than eager, or possibly sweaty, I would choose awesome. Seriously, have you ever watched a group of kids this age play soccer? They pursue the ball like a pride of hungry lions chasing a lame gazelle across the savannah, carelessly pushing aside all competitors while scissor kicking --- so help me these kids are scissor kicking --- across the field. How do they kick continuously? I’m not sure…I think it has something to do with Doritos and ice cream sandwiches. Honestly, I’m quite proud of their performance. They ran around for over a half an hour solid, in 90 degree heat, kicked some goals, had some fun and felt like pure greatness at the end of the day. Wonderful.

Of course, reality is that this was one game of U6 rec league soccer in Southern KY. Our next game could easily go in the opposite direction. But, from now until Thursday, we hold the cup. Come and get it.

D.A.R.E.

2010-06-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

my dare teacher, in the 4th grade, called me a girl. i had long hair, almost exactly like patrick only without the manly physique. it went like this:

dare teacher "can anyone name a drug"

dare teacher "how about you! the pretty little girl in the pink shirt"

entire class looks around wondering what in the heck he's talking about. is it charlene? no, she hasn't spoken since kindergarten...

suddenly i realize that it's me and my minuscule manhood has just been zinged.

me "i ain't no girl"

dare teacher "oh, i'm sorry!"

class "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ben's a girl! ha ha ha ha ha"

i fill with rage and plot the destruction of them all.

nissa cornett "i still think you're cool ben"

suddenly, everything was better. "pot is a drug mr. dare teacher. and so is cocaine, heroin, speed and, really, alcohol." "do you smoke mr dare teacher? well, that's a drug too."

i win.

jonah and the whale

2010-04-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

conversation with my 3 year old during bath time last night:

luke: daddy, did you ever tell me about jonah and the whale?

me: i did, would you like me to tell you again?

luke: no, i'll tell you. jonah was on a ship and made the pirates mad so God woke up the whale who was sleeping with ponocchio the puppets daddy inside him --- anyway, david and goliath were busy sword-fighting, then they were all friends and God was happy. there were no lions there though.

me: well, that's a lot to consider.

luke: yes it is daddy. will you wash my armpits?

-ben adams

egg

2010-04-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

my youngest and my wife discussed the birds and the bees today. it went like this:

john "mom, remember when i was a baby and i hatched from an egg?"

mom "yeah, huh, no, that's not right. you didn't hatch from an egg?"

john "where did i come from then?"

mom "my belly."

john "an egg in your belly?"

mom "....um...."

john "yep. an egg in your belly."

it's uncanny how smart she is at four.

-Ben Hubbard

herbs and such

2010-04-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

last autumn i discovered that there was a bag full of herb seeds inside a clay pot that had been given to me as a gift. my oldest son opened the bag and spread the seeds outside my front door. now there is a forrest of herbs. i sat down and tried to figure out what was what last saturday. i'm pretty sure it was a bag of weeds, not the illegal kind - just regular grow-in-the-field weeds. thank you gift giver for the weeds- i might just re-gift right back atcha.

merry christmas

ben adams

farmers co-op

2010-04-08T08:29:00.001-07:00

yesterday evening i stopped by a farmers co-op on the way home.

i don't usually stop there. i have never stopped there.

all i needed was some salad to go with dinner.

the inside of the co-op was packed wall to wall with all natural foods in all natural packaging with eco-solvent inks and compost-able papers. there were long-haired hippies, gypsies, vagabonds, drifters and naturalists in every aisle - they smelled organic - there was even an isle devoted to organic smelling deodorant. i found the salad i needed, it was a thai cucumber salad. i bought my wife some 35% fruit muesli, just to blend in. i passed a person who was stopped at the vegetarian hot-dog section, she gave me a look that said "we're glad you've converted, stick it to the man!" - i nodded at her as if to say, "oh yeah, i'm all organic all the time." then, she stretched out her wings like a praying mantis and 3 or 4 kids fell out and started to play tiddley winks with the fallen oats on the floor. i'm glad she wasn't offering a hug. i collected a handful of other items.

i went to the check out. the girl said, "oh, that's soo cute that you're getting this stuff" and i was like, "ok - sure." --- there was a book called why is it illegal to grow my own plants? it was next to a book called Obama!

my total was $19.75 - the year the time warp was set to on the front door. the girl asked me if i wanted paper or plastic. i said paper. she smiled. i have done my part to save the planet.

i saved the paper bag and am going to mail to to al gore.

-ben adams

the cat

2010-04-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

yesterday evening, sitting in the back yard with my 3 year old son:

me: look, there's mrs marsha. she's calling her cat.

luke: where is her cat?

me: i don't know, she's trying to find it.

luke: it's probably with its cat friends.

me: it probably is.

luke: does mrs marsha have any roast beef?

me: ...that's a very good question, lets go ask her.

mrs marsha got back inside before we could ask her about the roast beef.

-ben adams

music

2010-03-26T05:20:00.001-07:00

i do a lot of singing. i'm quite a prodigy. i'm sure that i would win american idol- but i'm too mature for that stuff, so i'll just keep singing in the truck. i've been singing along side sandi thom lately. as it turns out, i've been using the wrong words... thanks to al gore and the internet i'm back on track and our duet is going fabulous.

-ben adams

chivalry

2010-03-25T05:22:00.000-07:00

I was just walking through HSB contemplating how good that ham and cheese sandwhich I just consumed was, and I walk around this corner and standing right in the way of the door is this creepy man who proceeds to do the whole "I'm going to raise my eyebrows at you to say hello and open the door for you" and now I am contemplating as to why chivalry only seems to be okay when performed by more attractive people.

-Laura Adams

squirrel

2010-03-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

my kid, the one we refer to as "squirrel", fell on the tram-bop-oline and broke her arm last night. more specifically, she fractured something in her elbow. she's 4 years old so it was quite the traumatic experience for her, as it was for my neighbors. in a fit of hillbilly rage ---something i'd almost forgotten that i was capable of since my last bout was back in 2004 when, drugged after a wisdom tooth extraction, i ran out in the front yard in my underwear to shoot, yes, shoot with a real gun and real bullets, at imaginary cats--- i took my trusty gerber multi-tool (look mom, it's not just good for cutting beef kidneys for catfish bait anymore!) and cut the bouncy material right out of the thing. the residents of the wp looked on in a mix of horror and pity...an elderly man stood by shaking his head in disgust, somewhere. anyway, the trampoline no longer exists in a usable state thanks to my willingness to go to blades. coincidentally, all of the neighborhood kids now think that i'm a big jerk. in fact, i think that they've given me a new nickname: "the big jerk who cut up the trampoline". a creative bunch they are.

2010-03-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

it's morel mushroom season here in the ky and i'm pretty excited, being appalachian and all. most of my 7 hours of daydreaming time each day is now being spent imagining leisurely walks through the forest gathering dry land fish then preparing them in some garlic butter and merlot. mmmm...that's good.

people often warn me of the dangers of eating wild mushrooms. i remind them that eating at mcdonald's will make them fat and unhealthy and point out the good start that they already have...they tend to stop talking to me then, which i like. other folks tease me about the shrooms being psychedelic, you know, like the ones that grow on cow dung. i usually just say "yeah, those are the ones" then i walk away talking to the imaginary butterflies that are riding on the backs of my hands.

i love mushroom season.

-Ben Hubbard

peppermint

2010-03-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

today i had to make a call to cultivate a potential business relationship.

i ate tuna for lunch.

i had a peppermint before calling.

-ben adams

the callahan's; six months in

2010-03-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

i received this photo in my inbox this morning. it's a snapshot of a couple of my friends at a guns n roses concert/tractor pull or something...cut 'em some slack, they're from texas. i'm not really into hair bands, monster trucks or pabst blue ribbon, but i can't judge them for it.

what supreme marital bliss we see in the picture. mr happy pants (on the left) looks well fed, well groomed and ready to head straight from the fairgrounds to the mall in pursuit of women's velour track suits. mrs callahan ---i dare not make up a name for her, like mrs happy pants, for fear of a stern scolding--- looks like she's in control of the situation; she exudes the confidence of a lady who knows that her man, that beastly mid-western stallion, will follow her to the gates of hell if necessary to show his love. i mean, hasn't he already? he's at a gnr concert after all...in texas. maybe it was a rodeo. oh well, same thing basically, minus the bulls...or maybe? nevermind.

all seems well in the callahan home for which i offer my continued congratulations. my hope, as a distant friend ---the kind who's ok when he's just e-mailing you, but whose calls you wouldn't dare answer if he's in town for fear he'll want to hang out with you and your important "business" colleagues, forever embarrassing you with his hillbilly vs. redneck comparisons--- is that this euphoria of understanding continues for many years. way to go you two, and keep the awesome photos of your marital journey coming (to ben adams, of course, who then sends them on to me with notes that say "they don't like you enough to include you...jerk."); everyone here in the north land loves hearing from you guys.

-Ben Hubbard

birthday

2010-03-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

it's said that keith adams once destroyed an entire village of indigenous peoples with a single sweep of his mighty hand. it's also said that he used his manly, booming, voice to bring down the berlin wall. now, i wasn't there to see these things, but i did once witness him wrestle a buffalo to the ground, take its pelt, replace said pelt with a tuxedo made from the new zealand flag and leave the buffalo so enamored with his rugged good looks that he not only thanked keith for the service but offered his first born calf as an offering of good will.

happy birthday keith or, as they say in the mother land, happy birthday.

-Ben Hubbard

keith adams

2010-03-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

today is st. patricks day.

st patrick apparently banished all the snakes form ireland. people drink green beer to celebrate. i think there is more to the story, but i have yet to read that far into the wikipedia article.

today is my fathers birthday. he (keith) has banished all the snakes from his house... he hates the things. for those of you who dont know him, here is a brief description:

he is roughly 8 feet tall, my 3 year old son says that he has grown all the way to the top.

he has a burly beard.

he eats leprechauns for breakfast and lunch 3 times a week.

he always wins at rook

he speaks new zealandish

so, if you happen to see him out on st patricks day, wish him a happy birthday... bow, and move into the shadows.

happy birthday dad.

-ben adams

me vs velociraptor

2010-03-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

i took an internet quiz this morning. i'm not in the habit of doing this. i'm not stupid. i dont want to sign up for anyones free service --- but i could not help myself, it was titled "how long could you survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor?" well, incase you are wondering, it's 50 seconds.

bring it on.

-ben adams

a burro from the past

2010-03-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

i found this photo this morning in the hands of my 3 year old. he didn't ask - but i felt i owed him an explanation. after stumbling over and over my words, i looked him square in his round eye and said, "daddy was once a brave knight." he seemed satisfied. kids.

by the way, i really was a brave knight 10 years ago, and this photo is proof.

-ben adams

book review

2010-03-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

i recently read the road by cormac mccarthy.

it's basically about the relationship between a man and his boy in a post-apocalyptic future. there were times when i was quite sad and was sucked way into the story- replacing myself and my oldest son for the characters. i finished the book. my wife is reading some girlie love story book. i got upset the other day because she was reading it and left me to change the baby's dipper. she went out and bought me a new book called bruscho. now i am happy. my wife is happy. my oldest son is oblivious. my baby is not happy at all.

-ben adams

quotes

2010-03-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

some of my favorite quotes from the past few days.

i think they're from ancient china:

remember- pillage first, then burn
dont start a fight from the bottom of the stairs
never pet a burning dog.

-ben adams

clowns

2010-03-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

at the dinner table the other night lorena told the girls that their nana was taking them to the circus. it went like this:

john "will there be clowns?"

mom "yes"

john "i'm scared of clowns."

mom "oh, honey, why?"

john "because. they're freaky"

dad "yep, they are pretty freaky"

joe "uh huh"

mom "i guess they are"

dad "pass the tortillas"

useless conversation, but it made me smile.

-Ben Hubbard